I’m writing this fresh from Brighton Pride celebrations this weekend.
And I’m grappling with difficult feelings. It’s hard to lose a parent. And while I was traveling back and forth across continents to visit my father in the hospital, I didn’t have the bandwidth to process other emotions which I’m feeling now.
A lot of people have found themselves on neurodivergent journeys recently. Mine looks a little different from what you see on TikTok videos. I’ve shared a little about it elsewhere, and now I’ll share more about it here.
I used to be in a neurodiverse relationship. That’s how I got involved with a local autism support group, a decade or so before the neurodiversity-affirming movement really took off.
I’m not autistic. I also don’t have ADHD, the other type of neurodivergence that’s gained visibility recently. But years ago, I read about dyspraxia (sometimes called Developmental Coordination Disorder) and thought, “Oh.”
My skill set has always been wildly asymmetrical. I was that kid who couldn’t catch a ball but was reading (and understanding) my mom’s psychology books at age 9. My brain can struggle to process motion. Sense of direction? I’ve barely got one. Dyspraxia made sense – until I attended a dyspraxia conference, and realized I didn’t experience 70% of the challenges the speakers were talking about.
A few years ago, I contacted an expert and we looked at various forms of neurodivergence. I’d thought I had a disability – but I don’t, and my attempts to find accommodations for my challenges had only made me feel worse. I found out instead that I’d been struggling with anxiety symptoms, and had “some sensory things” (not a diagnosis) and a high IQ. I learned some anxiety management techniques, joined Mensa, and got on with things.
There was still a piece missing. And this year, I found it.
Synesthesia, aka the “Sensory Things”
It turns out my brain has another weird thing going on – synesthesia. This is when input to one sense results in an additional sensory experience. Think colors for letters, tastes for sounds, feeling touch when someone else is touched, visualizing sequences in space, etc. It’s a diverse spectrum of traits, and multiple forms often coexist in the same person.
I read about synesthesia as a teenager and found it relatable. It struck a chord, given my colored weekdays (the most common form of synesthesia found in a population study) and the poem I wrote as a child about the colors and personalities of certain numbers. But surely I didn’t really have synesthesia, since I wasn’t actually “seeing” anything.
There’s more information and research on it now. As it happens, most synesthetes are like me, with the extra sensory input experienced in the mind’s eye (associative synesthesia) rather than in the external world (projective synesthesia).
My main forms of synesthesia have to do with color related to physical sensations and music. I experience other forms, too, including some that happen occasionally. I’m still figuring out what things are “normal” for me that aren’t experienced by everyone. Yep, I was 37 years old when I learned that most people don’t ever visualize moving, colored shapes in their minds when music plays.
It’s common for synesthetes to have some of the challenges I do, such as a poor sense of direction, some challenges processing movement, and left-right confusion (which I used to have, but it went away after going on a bunch of hikes). My strengths in memory and creativity are also common with the profile.
Synesthesia has an interesting place in the neurodiversity conversation. It’s one of few “neurodivergent conditions” that’s not typically disabling. There’s less stigma around it at this time, though if you try to articulate your experiences, they sure can sound weird! Some people experience debilitating or distracting versions of synesthesia. Others embrace the “superpower” narrative, with versions of synesthesia that help with remembering information, spotting patterns, or creating spellbinding art of things they see that no one else can.
I’ve had frightening synesthetic moments and stunningly beautiful ones. On the whole, though, my synesthesia is like background noise that I’ve spent most of my life tuning out. I gave it other names – “my wild imagination,” “weird or spiritual experiences,” and “did this really happen or did I make it up?” No wonder I gravitate toward fantasy fiction, where some characters see things that most people can’t. I realize now there’s a synesthetic character in one of my short stories in Dream Signs, and while there’s no “seeing music” in my music-focused novel Chasing Harmony, it has some synesthetic moments too.
I don’t have to “do anything” about my synesthesia, really. But I’m curiously exploring how it works, and trying to figure out how I feel about it. I think this will take a while.
Magnetospheres and Demon Hunters
A movie just came out that struck a deep chord with me. Magnetosphere, directed by Nicola Rose, is a coming-of-age story about a girl with synesthesia set in Ontario during my own childhood. For me, it couldn’t have been released at a better time.
It was a delight to hear the Canadian accents and to be reminded of watching Comet Hale-Bopp and the girl power era. While my experiences aren’t the same as the protagonist’s, I do see sounds, hear colors, and see feelings on occasion, and like Maggie, I was and am creative and emotional. There were so many things I related to that I cried a few times during the movie, especially when Maggie was singing about being confused by her synesthetic experiences. I also loved her argument with her friend over the colour of Tuesday – some subtle synesthesia in someone else that wasn’t singled out. That’s not to mention the queer subplot, and the comical one where Maggie’s dad is directing a theatrical production where everything goes wrong. Memories from Joan: The Musical were triggered!
I recommend Magnetosphere without reservation, especially if you’re curious to get a sense of what (some types of) synesthesia can be like. The Pharell Williams Lego movie, Piece by Piece, is another great watch for visualizing music-to-color synesthesia. And, like many people right now, I’ve gotten into Netflix’s animated musical KPop Demon Hunters. I’ve been binge listening to the songs. If you’ve seen it, you’ll know that demonic patterns figure heavily in the plot, so it’s interesting that the riff at the beginning and end of “Golden” evokes a compelling visual pattern for me.
I relate to the main character Rumi’s secrecy and shame. The movie struck a chord because I’ve drafted a novel with overlapping themes – music magic, demons, and secrets brought into the open. Oh, and a version of synesthesia, before I realized that’s what I was experiencing. Once I revise my current WIP, I’m going to get back to work on that one.
To quote the movie’s final song:
Why did I cover up the colors stuck inside my head?
I should’ve let the jagged edges meet the light instead
Show me what’s underneath
I’ll find your harmony
The song we couldn’t write
This is what it sounds like
Writing News
Next week, I’ll be in Cardiff for EMAG, Mensa’s European annual gathering. I’m on the organizing committee and will be leading a workshop on Creative Writing as part of the program.
Creative Writing
Saturday, 9 August, 9-10 am
Looking for a fun new way to express your thoughts, feelings, and ideas? Have you always wanted to write but not been sure how to get started? In this workshop, you’ll explore a variety of facilitated creative writing exercises, with opportunities to share with the group and get feedback if you wish. Let’s bring our imagination to the page!
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I have two story publications forthcoming this year, and a future poetry event in the works with Custom House Bookshop in London.
I did an author interview recently with fellow writer Christina Consolino, who asked lovely, thoughtful questions.
I’m having fun contributing to the British Fantasy Society’s monthly blogs and judging for the British Fantasy Awards (Best Independent Press means reading a lot of books).
And my publisher Read Furiously’s summer book sale is ongoing, including my The Heart Decided to Move. and the rest of their One ‘n Done series.
Onward and upward! Embrace your colors!
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