Blog - Page 15 of 15 - Melanie Bell

February 2, 2015

Getting Your Needs Met in Relationships

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

We all know wonderful relationships where opposites attract. For example, one person might tend to the home and hearth, while the other cultivates the couple’s circle of friends. When both people appreciate each other’s contributions, their connection thrives! The whole becomes more than the sum of its parts. But sometimes it’s difficult for people to understand their partner’s priorities. When that happens, it helps to take a look at both people’s needs.

Learning the Enneagram Instincts teaches us the unconscious drives behind our relationship behavior. Instincts are biological and work to ensure our survival, individually and as a species. The Enneagram describes three that we share with much of the animal kingdom: the Self-Preservation, Sexual, and Social Instincts. These drives shape our behavior in both subtle and obvious ways. We all use all three of these Instincts, but one of them, our dominant Instinct, shapes our focus in life and relationships. It’s helpful to learn which Instinct is dominant for both ourselves and our partners.

The Self-Preservation Instinct is focused on survival, physical well-being, and maintaining a foundation in the world. This can show up as a focus on health, work and practical know-how, or domesticity. People with a dominant Self-Preservation Instinct value conserving energy, so tend to be more low-key in their activities. If your partner has a dominant Self-Preservation Instinct, they’re looking for someone to come home to and relax with–a source of solace. They appreciate having a partner they can build and savor a life with.

The Sexual Instinct is focused on stimulation, exploration, and having a person or passion to focus on intensely. People with a dominant Sexual Instinct are natural risk-takers, seeking to display, attract, and have their energy met. They’re compelled to “burn fuel” for the sake of creating something or reaching that next frontier. If your partner has a dominant Sexual Instinct, they’re looking for a relationship that provides an energetic connection. They appreciate having a partner who maintains excitement and novelty.

The Social Instinct is focused on cooperation, contribution, and maintaining awareness of the people around us. People with a dominant Social Instinct value bonding and shared play. They are adaptable and attentive to interdependence, but deliberate about which communities to participate in. If your partner has a dominant Social Instinct, they’re looking for a relationship built on reciprocity, shared interests, and mutual support. They appreciate having a partner who’s a teammate as well as a playmate.

In all relationships, it takes consideration and good communication to meet each others’ needs. When each person has a different dominant Instinct, conscious effort is important to understand what the other person values. What qualities do you each bring to the table, and how can you work together to ensure you both get your needs met? When both people share the same dominant Instinct, it’s important to understand how your views of that Instinct’s priorities are similar or different. What strengths do you share, and how can you work together to bring the other two Instincts into your relationship? Putting in this effort leads to rich relationships, with each partner bringing different, vital contributions.

January 12, 2015

San Francisco Neighborhoods by Enneagram Type

IMG_20141215_173728 Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

Enneagram types are not only found in people. They also exist in the spirits of places and cultures. When we traveled to Portugal for the European Enneagram Conference last year, we found ourselves in a somber country of beautiful tiled buildings and fado performances: soulful, melancholy musical laments. We’d arrived in a type Four country. Returning to the much faster paced U.S., we picked up strains of Three (efficiency, racing to the top) and Seven (endless entertainment options). Workplace cultures can likewise embody types, as do cities and communities. Just for fun, we’ve put together an Enneagram tour of the neighborhoods in our home city, San Francisco. Whatever your type, it truly has something for everyone!

Type One – The Financial District. High-reaching architecture and manicured parks frame the orderly Financial District, where every day on the clock, smartly dressed people go to work. This part of the city is where business gets done, and it maintains firm boundaries by closing down on evenings and weekends. It features a selection of ethically sourced restaurants.

Type Two – Noe Valley. Nurturing and family-oriented, there are lots of events for kids, and during the daytime you’ll see numerous parents with young children walking down the street. This neighborhood is attractive and beautifully maintained, while minimizing pretension. Local business on 24th Street take care of residents with frequent discounts and free samples.

Type Three – Pacific Heights. Image is particularly important in this neighborhood full of beautifully restored Victorian homes. This area of the city boasts the highest-end stores and boutiques in the city, and residents are well-dressed and take pride in their accomplishments and appearance. The neighborhood looks and feels good and exudes self-confidence.

Type Four – The Mission. A traditionally Mexican neighborhood, these days it hosts an eclectic group, from its traditional residents to quirky artists to tech employees. This edgy neighborhood values individuality and attracts funky music venues and coffee shops. Murals flourish everywhere. It’s proud of the gritty edge it retains even as the area gentrifies.

Type Five – South of Market (SOMA). San Francisco’s tech sector, which attracts a lot of Fives, is centered in this neighborhood. Originality, innovation, ideas, and a practical way of life rule here. Cloistered among modern apartment buildings and convenient amenities, SOMA residents can remain in a bubble detached from SF’s other communities.

Type Six – Bernal Heights. Highly community oriented, this neighborhood wants input from all its voices. It has a community center, neighborhood watch, and frequent meetings all residents are invited to attend. Residents greet each other as they walk by. Bernal Heights takes care of its own, highly valuing long-term, committed residents.

Type Seven – The Castro. San Francisco’s traditionally gay neighborhood is inclusive and fun for all. Endless bars, clubs, entertainment, and other nightlife stay open late, and it hosts several festivities and street fairs throughout the year. There are fun, quirky shopping options, and residents aren’t afraid to get wild. The atmosphere here is celebratory and exciting.

Type Eight – The Fillmore. Tough and sturdy, San Francisco’s gentrifying historically Black neighborhood requires some street smarts but is protective of both its residents and visitors. Edgy music venues and an annual jazz festival create a loud, festive atmosphere where people come from all over to live large for a little while.

Type Nine – The Outer Sunset. On the outskirts of San Francisco, this neighborhood is slow-paced and laid-back. Ocean Beach and Golden Gate Park allow for peaceful communing with nature. A longer ride on public transportation from downtown than some suburbs, it can feel like a beautiful enclave tucked away from the rest of the city.

It can be useful to know the culture and values of the places and communities you move in day to day. Which types’ values are most represented in your country, community, and workplace?

December 16, 2014

Why We Teach the Enneagram

IMG_20141011_184042 Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

Whenever we stand in front of a class and introduce the basics of personality types or communication styles, people’s expressions shift. We catch knowing looks and whispers. Someone might identify a type Eight boss, and express relief at learning how to get along with her. Another participant might connect with the Soloist communication style, and find the value in his way of thinking acknowledged for the first time in his professional life. With the Enneagram, we’ve discovered that a little understanding goes a long way.

Enneagram workshops act as a contained study space for the complexity of human beings. Participants learn ways to understand and communicate with important people in their lives without having those people singled out. They also have the opportunity to investigate their habits, desires, and defenses in the context of a time-limited workshop. Often they get a glimpse of their reactions in action. Many such glimpses build our capacity to notice when we’re getting in our own way and allow ourselves more flexibility to make different choices next time.

We teach the Enneagram because we’ve seen the power of this flexibility. Discovering our motivations has made it easier to catch ourselves acting out bad habits and think, “Wait a minute…” Knowing our loved ones’ and colleagues’ personality types has allowed us to understand where they are coming from and strengthen our relationships. When used wisely, for growth and understanding rather than self-limitation or stereotyping, the Enneagram’s psychological acuity allows for improved – and sometimes transformed – interactions.

What could our world look like if it was full of such interactions? What would it be like if people went the extra mile to understand each other? Whenever someone acted out, the people around them would look beyond the behavior to the underlying motive, which is always a deep human need, and think about how this need might be met. Imagine how job satisfaction would increase if this became a workplace policy!

Difference would be valued and commonality recognized, in both businesses and communities. Instinct, emotion, and intellect would be valued and cultivated equally; multiple intelligences, personality patterns, and cognitive profiles would be nurtured. All manifestations of the human spirit would be welcomed to take their place.

In their personal and professional lives, people would approach conflict strategically, transparently, and seeking a win-win. Time with others would be engaged, inclusive, and joyful, and time with yourself would be respected and cherished. Everyone would be supported in caring for their well-being, striving toward new frontiers, and contributing to the larger community.

The Enneagram points to these possibilities. It illuminates dynamics that usually remain hidden, and uncovers things that are lacking and needed in any given place and time. The knowledge that there’s something more going on under every action makes us think. It calls us to be just a little more open and dig just a little bit deeper every time.

November 21, 2014

Managing Holiday Stress

2014-11-18 22.12.33 Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

The late calendar year hums with holiday magic. Families gather to feast. Gifts are exchanged, and lights festoon the windows. The holidays bring great joy to the world! They allow us to take time off work, celebrate with friends and colleagues at special events, and spend quality time with our loved ones.

This busy time of year also brings special challenges. Many of us find ourselves in a flurry of parties, seeing distant relatives, and travel. Our routines get disrupted, and we spend more money looking for the perfect gifts for everyone. Old conflicts with family can resurface. Some of us end up feeling lonely because we feel we don’t have enough events to attend or people to spend the holidays with.

Self-care is of particular importance during the holiday season, and what we need varies based on our Enneagram type. We’ve put together a list of tips for managing stressors and getting the most out of the holiday season, based on your social and communication style. You can learn more about the three communication styles and identify yours by reading our blog post Crafting Successful Communication.

Soloists (Enneagram Types 4, 5, and 9) – As a Soloist, you offer a spirit of creativity and reflection during the holidays. You’re also at risk for being overwhelmed by the additional socialization, travel, and activities. Staying grounded and aware of your body is particularly important. Make sure to take the time to recharge your batteries if your holiday season is busy. Step outside and take a breather during holiday events, and look for individual roles you can take in the events, such as preparing the food or playing the holiday music. If your social circle is smaller and your holidays tend to be solitary, get out of your comfort zone and attend an event! Local nonprofits are always looking for volunteers on holidays, and Meetup.com groups often have holiday celebrations.

Initiators (Enneagram Types 3, 7, and 8) – If you’re an Initiator, you bring natural energy and enthusiasm to this festive season. You likely have a busy schedule all the time, and the holidays get even busier! You may find yourself running from place to place on little sleep. It may be necessary for you to prioritize events and skip some to maintain your self-care practices. Stay present in your heart center at the gatherings you go to by letting yourself be emotionally affected by the people around you. Take the extra effort to appreciate friends and loved ones through verbal acknowledgement, a thoughtful card, or a carefully chosen gift. This is also a great time to prioritize helping the less fortunate, through your time or financially.

Cooperators (Enneagram Types 1, 2, and 6) – As a Cooperator style, your generosity and commitment shine during the holidays. You may feel a strong sense of duty to your family, charity, or religion, and it can be easy for you to get overcommitted trying to support everyone in your life. Take some time to individually reflect on your own values, and make sure to take on only those responsibilities that align with them. Saying “No” to that extra commitment is important sometimes; take care of yourself by scheduling in some time to rest. And have fun at the events you do attend! Supporting others during the holidays can be richly meaningful, but letting your hair down and enjoying yourself is important too.

No matter what type you are, maintaining your daily practice throughout the holidays will help you stay mindful and centered. We wish all of you a wonderful holiday season this year!

November 1, 2014

Bringing the Enneagram to Teens

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

Having learned the Enneagram at a young age, bringing the Enneagram to more young people remains a topic close to our hearts. For teenagers, the Enneagram opens a door to improving relationships with parents and friends, and feeling seen for who you are–a person with thoughts, feelings, and needs independent from those around you. It gives a language to describe your viewpoint to the people who matter to you, and helps in making decisions about the direction you want your life to take.

When we were teenagers discovering the Enneagram, wonderful books existed about this system–Melanie has fond memories of holing up in the college library, browsing the “Enneagram corner”–but none of them focused on people our age. The vast majority of our peers were not familiar with the Enneagram, leaving us largely to teach it to them.

Elizabeth Wagele’s latest book, The Enneagram for Teens, has the potential to change this. Wagele previously wrote an Enneagram book aimed at children, but as far as we know, this is the first book exclusively oriented to a teenaged audience. In this fun and clearly-written read, Wagele writes in an engaging manner that teens are sure to enjoy. Wagele’s cartoons, both illustrative of the types and entertaining, grace most of the pages of her book. Wagele dedicates a chapter to each of the nine types, and a final chapter depicts each type’s leadership style. Wagele describes each type in a way that is easy to grasp, with examples most relatable to high school and college-aged readers.

Wagele excels at creating material that connects with the target audience. Each type chapter offers a quiz made of statements that come directly from teenagers–a refreshingly clear and direct approach. (You might be a Six if you “want to be safe and to be told the truth.”) Wagele also offers practical goals for self-development tailored to teens of each type.

The heart and soul of Wagele’s book comes from the primary source material. In each chapter, she interviews several people from each Enneagram type, both teens and young adults looking back on their experience. The subjects Wagele interviews provide a diverse cross-section of perspectives. Some, such as a type One rebel, do a welcome job of defying personality stereotypes, while others give a well-rounded sense of each Enneagram type’s strengths and challenges. Especially affecting is one Three exemplar’s memory of telling the principal her team had lost a tournament as she received her diploma–“That’s all I ever think about when I think about high school graduation.” It should be easy for readers to hear their own experiences mirrored in the young voices in the book.

We believe The Enneagram for Teens is a wonderful resource for teenagers and college students first learning about the Enneagram, as well as parents hoping to get into the shoes of their teens. Our own experiences of encountering the Enneagram young were pivotal: for example, Kacie finally understood her parents’ perspectives and why they were different from her own, and Melanie learned strategies to manage her emotions. Wagele’s book has great potential to more widely engage young people in learning the Enneagram. We hope this book will help young Enneagram enthusiasts connect with each other!

October 1, 2014

Crafting Successful Communication

ducks try again Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

The Enneagram has many applications, and communication is one of its more universal ones. Communication is all around us. We chat and plan with our colleagues, engage with our loved ones, catch up with our friends. We e-mail, text, and talk on the phone. We receive messages from our environment every day, from advertisements to street signs. Given how steeped we are in communication as a species, why is it still so difficult to communicate successfully?

The answer is that communication is complex. It involves a sender, whose message is shaped by their own experience and style, and a recipient, who brings interpretive filters that may or may not match the sender’s. Sometimes there are multiple senders, recipients, or messages. Communication norms vary from culture to culture–Richard D. Lewis’s summaries of business communication in different countries offer useful insight into these variations. Just as importantly, communication style is deeply influenced by personality.

The Enneagram describes three communication styles present in most groups. All bring distinctive strengths and challenges. By understanding your own communication style and the styles of people around you, you can engage more effectively on others’ terms and minimize misunderstanding.

Soloists (types Four, Five, and Nine) have a rich internal dialogue. They work best on their own and respond to stress by moving away from engagement into their inner sanctum. Soloists are quieter and may take longer to speak and engage than the other communication styles, but they think through their ideas carefully and bring long-term, strategic thinking to the table, along with innovative ideas. Soloists benefit from being offered time to think before responding, and being asked questions that draw out their ideas.

Initiators (types Three, Seven, and Eight) are action-oriented and driven by challenge. Interested in being in the center of things, they are quick to speak up and engage. Under stress, they default to taking up space and pushing for action. They tend to be direct and energetic in their communication, and may present ideas as a way of brainstorming–“thinking aloud.” They benefit from debate and forthrightness.

Cooperators (types One, Two, and Six) want to work for a common purpose. Natural collaborators, they are more willing than the other styles to play a supportive role and draw out others’ participation, rather than coming up with ideas or starting things. When stressed, their superego becomes vocal both internally and externally, demanding adherence to a personal set of principles and responsibilities. Cooperators benefit from acknowledgment and appreciation.

Communication styles are an especially practical part of our teaching that can easily be applied to interpersonal situations. For those who have difficulty reading others, learning communication styles offers a way to understand different people’s mindsets and tailor communication accordingly. We’ve seen Enneagram knowledge help people on the autism spectrum learn how to interact better with others–one success story here–and we’re honored to be presenting on communication styles to the autism spectrum community at the AASCEND conference. We’re also excited to offer a communication styles workshop through General Assembly San Francisco, where we’ll bring the styles to life through a business simulation.

September 2, 2014

How the Enneagram Can Empower You

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

The Enneagram is an amazing tool for understanding ourselves and our common humanity. Don Riso and Russ Hudson write: “One of the great strengths of the Enneagram is that it steps aside from all doctrinal differences…. With the help of the Enneagram, we will discover that Sixes are like all other Sixes–and that they share the same values as others of their type. Ones who are black are much more like Ones who are white than they could have imagined, and so forth. A new level of community and compassion emerges that obliterates old ignorance and fear.” (Wisdom of the Enneagram, p. 10)

P1010765 The Enneagram is accessible and empowering to anyone who wants to use it–no matter their age, race, gender, socioeconomic background, sexual orientation, or life circumstances. It maps out our internal dynamics with incredible precision, pointing to the strengths we possess in spades as well as ways we can grow. Let’s look at the profound forms of power each type embodies–sources of inner strength we can all tap into.

Type One represents the power of conviction. When we see a wrong in the world, it’s the part of us with the strength to take a stand and work for positive change.

Type Two represents the power of altruism. This part of us hones in on what others and ourselves need and offers it generously.

Type Three represents the power of excellence. It’s the part of us that works to cultivate our gifts and live a life of great value and integrity.

Type Four represents the power of self-renewal. It’s the part of us that listens to and expresses our own voice, honoring our personal truth.

Type Five represents the power of clarity. It’s the part of us driven to discover new truths, that refuses to back down in the face of uncertainty.

Type Six represents the power of support. It’s the part of us that stands with others as an equal, committed to seeing things through.

Type Seven represents the power of hope. When things get difficult, this facet of us can find the joy and wonder that still exist in the world.

Type Eight represents the power of strength. It’s the part of us that won’t back down, initiating action and championing justice.

Type Nine represents the power of harmony. It’s the part of us that sees an underlying unity and brings peace to the world around us.

We’re looking forward to sharing more on self-empowerment using the Enneagram with two wonderful groups of women at the San Carlos Wise Women’s Retreat and the WOW Talks Walnut Creek. We’d love to hear your thoughts on these 9 types of power as well. Which of them come most easily to you? Which could you use more of in your life?

August 13, 2014

5 Benefits of Learning from a Certified (or Accredited) Enneagram Teacher

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

We always believed certification to be important in the Enneagram profession, which is why we actively pursued it from the time we decided to teach. After years of hard work, we recently became Riso-Hudson Certified Enneagram Teachers, and would recommend certification or accreditation to aspiring Enneagram professionals. While not all good Enneagram teachers are certified, we’ve found learning from a certified or accredited Enneagram teacher to be a good bet. Here are 5 reasons why:

1. Certified teachers have studied the Enneagram in depth. Certifying involves taking a series of trainings that convey the material both intellectually and experientially.

2. Certified teachers have proven their abilities. In addition to coursework, most Enneagram certification programs require additional work, such as essays, typing interviews, panels, and teaching demos. We found completing our certification essays to be as educational as taking the trainings, offering us greater insight into the Enneagram and inspiring our own research.

3. It’s easy to learn in detail about a certified teacher’s background. If they are certified by a particular school or program, you can easily learn the specifics of their certification process. This assists in understanding the teacher’s approach and seeing if it’s a good fit for you.

4. Certified and accredited teachers bring credibility to the Enneagram field. There is no title protection for Enneagram teachers, and anybody can offer their services as an Enneagram teacher, coach, or consultant. Learning from a certified teacher helps create and maintain standards in the profession.

5. There’s an amazing array of high-quality certified Enneagram teachers and programs. We chose to do our training at The Enneagram Institute, but there are many wonderful schools. From corporate training to somatic focusing, there’s an application–and a certified/accredited teacher–for everyone!

July 20, 2014

Our Journey with the Enneagram and Ayurveda

Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

The Enneagram is an amazing tool for personal growth. But the Enneagram is only one system, and increasingly, we’ve been exploring other tools that complement it.

We’ve found Ayurveda, an ancient Indian system of holistic healing that focuses on maintaining health rather than curing illness, to be especially useful. It’s a tradition that’s been around for over 5000 years, and with its amazing specificity and individualized approach, remains one of the most popular systems of alternative medicine in the world. Ayurveda describes three basic doshas, or constitutions, with distinct lifestyle needs, and prescribes ways to balance the energy of each one. Most people have a dominant dosha, with some having a combination of two or three. In a nutshell:

Vata (air) people are creative, quick-moving, and erratic. They benefit from nourishing and routine.

Pitta (fire) people are sharp, driven, and irritable. They benefit from calming and moderation.

Kapha (earth) people are generous, steady, and possessive. They benefit from stimulation and expression.

We love the agency that Ayurveda fosters–the commonsense ideas that we know our own bodies best, that all aspects of our being (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual…) matter, and that every choice of food or daily routine contributes to our health. Ayurvedic treatments include everything from exercise to nutritional supplements prescribed by a licensed Ayurvedic practitioner to changes in habits. A mainstay is Ayurvedic cooking, which can range from the traditional (yogurt lassis) to the novel (seaweed salad). Ayurveda values harmony with the natural elements, as well as balance in individual energy–this translates into nourishing, natural food which leaves us feeling great!

Many Enneagram teachers (including us!) encourage people to maintain a daily practice, and Ayurveda’s practical approach to lifestyle and eating is both workable and fun. We eat every day, and there’s no need to invest in expensive retreats or equipment to try Ayurveda out. Much like observing our own Enneagram type patterns, folllowing Ayurvedic guidelines requires self-kindness and attention.

In April, we presented about the Enneagram and Ayurveda at the European IEA. We had a wonderful time sharing and learning with Enneagram practitioners from around the world. One thing we learned is that people are interested in connections between the two systems. Which types correlates with which doshas? We decided to find out.

We’ll be presenting our preliminary research on correlations between the Enneagram and Ayurveda at the Global International Enneagram Conference next week! We currently have over 60 survey participants from around the world, and we’d love to have more. You can take our survey here to find out your most likely dosha and get recipes tailored toward it. (Note: the survey was closed in December 2014. Thank you to all our participants!)

We’d love to hear about your experiences using the Enneagram with other systems to develop a daily practice!

June 16, 2014

The Enneagram and Young Adults

P1020354 Co-written with Kacie Berghoef

When we first began attending Enneagram conferences, we were surprised to discover that young adults studying the Enneagram were almost as rare as unicorns! We’d love for that to change, and hope to bring more young people into the community. We were both lucky to discover the Enneagram at a young age, and it offered a level of support that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. It was like having a secret key to unlocking our strengths and understanding other people.

Young people face a lot of challenges. At that age, so many of us feel misunderstood and like we don’t fit in. We get into conflict with our parents. We struggle to find our footing as we first strike out on our own. The Enneagram can be useful in all of these situations.

Young people offer a fresh perspective to Enneagram work. They bring a wonderful openness to learning (as long as it’s interesting!). They’re in a great place to start observing themselves and noticing what their usual patterns are, laying a foundation for a self-aware life. Given the ever-shifting nature of the young adult years, they’re also in a place where they want to make change.

Here are some tips for teaching the Enneagram to young people:

Contextualize the Enneagram to the person’s age group. For example, if they’re in college, show them how the Enneagram can help them choose a major and make empowering career decisions.
Introduce the idea of observing yourself and being aware of your patterns in an approachable, relatable way. Give concrete examples of how this can be helpful in your audience’s daily life.
Break the material up with interactive exercises, and give everyone a chance to speak.
Remember when working with younger people that the brain is still developing until about age 25, which may impact how they learn and apply the material.
Make it fun! 🙂

We’d like to see more people get the opportunity to learn the Enneagram at a young age, and are excited to be part of this movement!